Leffapupun sekalaiset kirjoitelmat

Alue originaaliteksteille, eli novelleille ym. fiktiivisille teksteille ja lyriikalle.

Leffapupun sekalaiset kirjoitelmat

ViestiKirjoittaja CinemaBunny » Ti Elo 02, 2011 1:05 am

Suurimmassa osassa näistä kirjoituksista ei tuu olemaan parituksia, määriteltyjä genrejä, saatikka sitten selkeitä juonia.
Nää on vaan yksinkertasen(pikemminki yksinäisen) ihmisen monimutkasta tajunnan virtaa. Ja pahoittelen, jos iskin tän väärän topicin alle, tää vaan tuntu sopivammalta ja vaikka kotoisammaltakin paikalta kuin mikään muu. Kaikki palaute on tervetullutta.

I don't need the drugs with you

We both know that I'm a liar.
I might say I'm happy,
I might tell you I wouldn't change a thing in the present, nor the past,
I might seem happy with myself,
I might even make sure that people think I'm fine,
I never cry
and that everything is alright.
And I keep repeating how I don't need anyone.


When the truth is
I'm not even sure what happiness is,
If I could, I would change most of the things in the past, the present and in the future,
There isn't a day I don't look in the mirror and get disgusted by myself,
I don't think I've never been totally fine for more than 10seconds,
or that everything has ever been alright,
and now-a-days, I think that inside I've just been sad all this time,
and I don't think it's ever going to change,
I guess that's just who I'm supposed to be.
And U are the only one who keeps me going.



Why?

Those crystal clear tears running down your face,
you feel no shame as you hold that motherless girl in your embrace.
She's your wife that's what they all said, but did you listen?
No, you just stabbed her with your butcher knife.
Now she's dead, laying lifeless on the floor
and her blood has stained your bedroom door.
i keep on dreaming, and yet i can't find myself believing in love

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CinemaBunny
Fani
 
Viestit: 7
Liittynyt: Ke Tammi 20, 2010 7:14 pm
Paikkakunta: Hyvinkää~

Re: Leffapupun sekalaiset kirjoitelmat

ViestiKirjoittaja sunny » To Kesä 27, 2013 10:31 pm

You didn’t actually specify the language in which you’d like your feedback, so I opted to write this in English because the text itself is in English. I hope you’re cool with that!

It’s been a while since I’ve read poetry. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever read poetry just for the heck of it on forums like this one. It’s completely out of my comfort zone for many reasons, mostly because I feel uneasy commenting about it. Though fanfiction itself is quite laidback grammar-wise, poetry is even more so, and that’s what makes me uncomfortable :’) Anyway, let’s try to muster a somewhat well-composed comment out of this.

“I don’t need the drugs with you”, the longer poem, unfortunately did not really hit me. First, the title of it sounds a little awkward in my ears. I don’t know if it’s because of the “the” that makes it so clunky. It’s apparent this was a stream-of-consciousness type of text, as I fail to see true effort in the text itself. The language you used was fairly basic, the sort I’m using now, without any unexpected turns. I do see emotion behind the writing; I do see that this is a text based on personal matters, but I would have liked to see some more work put into it. Now I understand the text but I don’t feel the text.

I don't think I've never been totally fine for more than 10seconds


“I don’t think I’ve never” is a double negative. The correct version would be, “I don’t think I’ve ever”. I’d also put a space between “10” and “seconds”.

“Why?” was, in my opinion, better than the first one. Again, the title did not strike me, which is unfortunate, but the text itself was more to my liking. I like the mystique, I like the fact that I don’t know whether it’s all symbolism or not. It could be about a betrayal, or it could really be about a deranged person killing the woman he loves. The last two lines were the highlight of it all; I loved the fact that they rhymed. "Why", too, had the same clumsiness the first piece had at points, but for some reason it worked.

She's your wife that's what they all said, but did you listen?


I’d place a comma between “wife” and “that’s” to pace the sentence better. Other than that, I did not see any errors.

It was a pleasure reading this, and I hope you’ll write more in the future! :)
難道 是天意

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sunny
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Viestit: 177
Liittynyt: Su Syys 05, 2010 6:14 pm


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