Then there was a beginning. [Toshiya/Uruha, R, Fluff]

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Then there was a beginning. [Toshiya/Uruha, R, Fluff]

ViestiKirjoittaja Nera » La Loka 12, 2013 1:42 pm

Title: Then there was a beginning.
Author: Nera
Rating: R
Chapters: Oneshot
Beta: None
Pairings: Toshiya/Uruha [Dir en grey/the GazettE]
Genre: Fluff
Warnings: Fluff, masturbation
Summary: “Kouyou hated to fall in love.”

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story.

Comments: I wanted to write something that could be read as the beginning for this pair’s universe I’m developing. Apparently it has been sitting and waiting to be completed for a while, because I didn’t remember I still had it, neither do I remember if I’ve intended for it to continue from here. I think it works best like this.
Word count: 4705

Kouyou closed his laptop and rubbed his eyes in distress. He wasn't really okay right now. He was slowly realising he was falling in love and he hated it. He absolutely hated it and he didn't know how he should deal with these feelings. Falling in love wasn't a bad thing per say, but it was when the object of your love was a friend of yours. Kouyou was in that situation now and it made him uneasy. Kouyou was falling in love with a friend and he dreaded the outcome, despite he knew this friend would most likely not be upset with him.
Things like this needed a big glass of wine or sake, because he was feeling more and more like a mess. An emotional mess and to be quite honest he didn't like that either. He had tried to will the infatuation away, he honestly had. He had even tried to avoid the person in question, but no. Kouyou found himself craving the attention and growing jealous of someone he wasn't even allowed to be jealous of.

That night he played TEKKEN most violently to subdue his hiccups when the emotions became too much and the alcohol made it too easy for him to let it all out.
Kouyou hated to fall in love.

“I haven't seen you in a while.”

“Been busy.”

“Mm. How have you been? Other than busy?”

“Okay, I suppose. You?”

“Quite okay.”

It was the most awkward discussion Kouyou had had in a while. He sighed softly and hummed, to ease the painstaking silence. He had taken the opportunity to leave the studio for a while and run out into the alley behind the building. It was terribly hot and he was already regretting going out in the summer weather.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing special.” Kouyou wiped his brow and pushed his sunglasses up on his nose.


“I- ” Kouyou bit his tongue. “Um...”


“I don't know what I was thinking....” Kouyou confessed and his shoulders slumped. He leaned against the wall and for the first time in many years he craved cigarettes. Kouyou pursed his lips and squatted down, phone between his ear and left shoulder.



Kouyou grinned and his heart fluttered when the other laughed on the other end of the line. He also cursed himself for being so easy.

“Scatterbrain-kun, guess what we haven't been doing for a while?

“What, Dumbass-chan?”

“Gone eating. I kinda miss it.” Kouyou's mouth dried and he was speechless for a while.

“You miss the food.” he muttered and smiled shyly towards the ground.

“Well, d'uh.” Kouyou heard some cackling and shouting in the background.

“Are you busy?” he asked.

“Yeah. I need to go now or they'll kill me.”

“I'd hate that... For them to kill Dumbass-chan.” Kouyou squeezed his phone a little harder.

“Is Thursday next week ok? At seven? Our regular joint?”

“Yeah.” Kouyou felt his cheeks heat up a little and he smiled like an idiot.

“See you then, Kouyou.”

“See you, Totchi.”

Kouyou was a little ruffled when he came back in a he blamed it on feeling a bit feverish, and not on the fact that there was a fever in his heart and it was ablaze. Yutaka eventually sent him home, because he was worried and Kouyou was grateful. He was so nervous he dropped his keys three times before he got it right and stormed inside.

Kouyou felt like the dumbass he claimed Toshiya to be. Toshiya was a dumbass, because it was so easy for Kouyou to like him, and Kouyou was a dumbass for falling so hard for him, when they only were friends. But he found himself wanting to kiss his cigarette tasting lips and wrap his arms around him in a way that wasn't only friendly. It was so easy to misinterpret what Toshiya wanted because he was physical and his little touches on you hand or on the small of your back could mean as much as a handshake to him, when it could mean the world to someone else.
They meant the world to Kouyou. And they hurt his core, because he knew he wasn't special. He put his phone on silent and took up an acoustic guitar. He then walked into his bedroom and laid flat on his back, guitar on his chest. Kouyou strummed some ugly chords and he got annoyed with himself for being such a sissy. He growled out loud and pulled at his blond hair.

“What the fuck's wrong with you?” he hissed to himself. He placed the guitar on the floor next to his bed and rolled onto his stomach, face down into the duvets in a mock-asphyxiation attempt. Maybe he should just get over himself instead. He turned onto his back again and stared at his ceiling.

“Fuck,” he groaned. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” Kouyou repeated the profanities like a mantra. He grimaced as his mind filled with images of Toshiya. And suddenly he smiled, because he thought of how it would be like to share kisses with him. Maybe it would be sweet and tender, like in some of those cheesy films he denied he had watched. Maybe Toshiya would be affectionate and kiss him all over his face? Maybe he would hold Kouyou's hands in his and pet his hair and call him silly things. He swore out loud when he caught himself thinking of how it would feel to have Toshiya's slender hands on him, doing things he they strictly speaking shouldn't be doing. Friends didn't have sex, now did they? He was ashamed that his mind continued racing, because he was certain sex with Toshiya would be unlike anything he'd experienced before. Kouyou's fingers tingled and he covered his face with his left arm and moaned. He was aroused beyond saving and it didn't help the slightest that he hadn't had any sex in a very long time. His cock strained against his jeans and Kouyou felt incredibly dirty for being so turned on. He palmed his cock through his pants and bit his lower lip to not moan out loud when images of Toshiya's mouth on his cock ran through his mind. Kouyou decided it had gone too far when the scene in his head developed into full-fledged sex, with Toshiya fucking him relentlessly into the mattress. He needed a cold shower.

It came to a point where cold showers didn't help Kouyou get away from scandalous mental pictures of himself with Toshiya, doing the dirty in every position his imagination could come up with. Kouyou found himself writhing under his own touch, cheeks red of both shame and arousal and he wished he wasn't this desperate. He moaned helplessly when he came all over his own hand and stomach, his legs shaking, fingers and toes tingling. He laid there for a while, looking up at the ceiling, his breath coming out in short huffs with his softening cock still in his hand. He felt incredibly bad for having had a ridiculously good orgasm, while thinking of Toshiya fingering him and swallowing around his cock. Kouyou sighed sadly and his post-coital bliss turned into distress. Everything seemed to magnify now that he came down from his high. His band mates bickering and the fact that he wasn't sneaky about his feelings at all. Akira knew he was head over heels in love with someone and Yuu basked in feeling superior to Kouyou for once in his life. Yutaka grinned and Takanori took every chance he could to poke fun at Kouyou's misery.
Kouyou hated to be in love.

He got up and showered quickly, before one of his favourite scenes started to play in his head. That was him imagining Toshiya fucking him from behind in the shower. Kouyou turned the water on freezing and pulled himself together to the best of his abilities. He had wished he wouldn't have had to masturbate before their dinner date, because now he would be uncomfortable and Toshiya would think he was being weird around him.
Kouyou wanted to cry. And then cry some more when he realised he didn't know what he was to wear for this occasion. It was a dinner between two friends, not a freaking date, so it shouldn't have to be so terribly hard! He ended up with something smart and pretty casual, because it was but a noodle bar they would be going to.

A few hours later he was standing outside the noodle bar he frequented with Toshiya and looked nervously at his phone every other minute. Toshiya was by no means late, it was Kouyou who was fifteen minutes early, because his nerves were getting to him and this was still just a dinner date between friends for goodness sake! But somewhere deep down inside Kouyou's twisted guts, it felt like it could become something more. Kouyou didn't want to get his hopes up, and wiped his brow as a nervous gesture.
It was still a good ten minutes before they were supposed to meet. Tokyo was busy and Kouyou realised he must've looked pretty ridiculous standing in front of a noodle bar, fiddling with his phone and wiping his hands on his pants. The sunglasses didn't serve to make him look any less suspicious. A staff member from the shop actually came out and asked him if everything was alright and if he could move away from the door, because he was making the other customers nervous with his blonde hair and uneasy shuffling. Kouyou grunted an apology and moved a little to the side, so he wasn't visible from inside of the bar. Couldn't Toshiya just materialise already? Then again, Kouyou almost hoped he wouldn't arrive any time soon, because he was getting worked up and he really needed to calm down. So he dug out his phone again and started browsing through old e-mails.

“What's so funny?” A familiar voice greeted him what seemed only minutes later. Kouyou startled and almost dropped his phone when he realised it was Toshiya who was speaking to him and that he probably had looked like an idiot. “Hey, easy there, why so jumpy?” Toshiya grinned and touched Kouyou's arm gently.

“Ah, nothing I just... Got caught up reading old e-mails,” Kouyou admitted a little sheepishly and looked at the hand which rested on his arm. “Hi.” he then smiled at Toshiya.

“Hi,” Toshiya smiled back at him and pulled the shorter man into a bear hug. Kouyou was a little caught off guard, but wrapped his arms around Toshiya and returned the gesture. “Did you wait long?”

“Nah. Just arrived,” Kouyou lied through his teeth and reluctantly let go of the warm chest he could've gotten used to lean into. He also was aware of how nice Toshiya smelled and that he wouldn't mind if that smell stuck to his pillows. Kouyou blushed lightly and quickly turned away from Toshiya and headed into the bar. “Let's eat, I'm starving!” he smiled over his shoulder and Toshiya followed suit half a stride behind him.

They had their usual meals out of nostalgia and chatted in a comfortable manner, which mean Toshiya did the big part of the speaking and Kouyou nodded politely when it was passable and added his own every now and then. He was still very far from relaxed and he found himself studying Toshiya's face and how the soft yellow light from the lamps looked almost orange on his skin and how it made his eyes seem a little deeper than before.

“Are you not hungry anymore?” Toshiya smiled softly and Kouyou blinked, not quite understanding what Toshiya was getting at.


“Is the ramen bad?” Toshiya motioned towards Kouyou's half-finished bowl of ramen and Kouyou realised Toshiya was almost done with his own. He smiled embarrassedly and tried to look in every direction except Toshiya's. He had probably realised he had been staring anyway.

“No, I just... ” Kouyou could've said he got distracted with your pretty face and how he wanted to kiss every inch of it, but he smiled and shook his head. “Sorry.”

“You seem a bit distant lately.” Toshiya put down his chopsticks and rested his elbows on the table, his face curious. Kouyou frowned and leaned back into his chair.

“I suppose I have...” he admitted softly and folded his hands over his chest.

“Is it something you want to talk about?” Toshiya prodded gently. “I'm willing to listen.” he added with a soft smile that only served to make Kouyou's heart beat faster under his ribs and his palms started to sweat.

“Yeah, but not here...” he admitted to Toshiya and fidgeted with the napkin on the table. To hell with it, he should just confess to get it all off his chest. And maybe if Toshiya liked him back he would know and if not, he could at least close that chapter in his life and move on.

“Want to go somewhere else and tell me?” Toshiya asked and Kouyou nodded. He had lost his appetite by now, because his nervousness was back and it tickled his stomach like a hoard of butterflies. They got up, paid and left, walking side by side towards the metro station. Kouyou didn't say a word, because he was afraid he'd say something stupid and Toshiya was too kind to press him for an answer.

“Where are we going?” Toshiya asked when they were on a crossroad. Both lived on opposite directions of the track and they would need to go somewhere. People shuffled by them, some busier than others.

“Would you mind coming to my place?” Kouyou asked, looking at Toshiya with hope twinkling in the corner of his eyes. Toshiya had visited him maybe once or twice during their friendship, often times they would go out to town and Kouyou had visited Toshiya's home a few times he too. Once he had stayed over, more or less because of free will. He had woken up feeling like shit and his mouth had been like the floor of a taxi.

“I don't mind.” Toshiya nodded and they took the metro to Kouyou's neighbourhood. Toshiya kept touching Kouyou discreetly during the ride, mostly just by putting his hand on top of Kouyou's or holding onto his arm when the train slowed down or sped up. Kouyou mostly stared at his toes and tried to formulate how he'd break it all to Toshiya in a way that wasn't totally creepy and fucked up.

Luckily he didn't fumble very much with his keys and they got inside his apartment. Kouyou offered to serve them some drinks. His hands trembled slightly when he handed Toshiya a cold beer and motioned him to sit on the couch and make himself comfortable. Kouyou was too nervous to sit down properly, so he paced back and forth behind the couch, until Toshiya got annoyed with him.

“Kouyou, would you sit down. You make me nervous!” Toshiya chuckled, slight annoyance in his voice. Kouyou smiled and took a large chug of his beer to soothe his nerves. He noticed his palms were clammy and he rubbed them against his pant legs with little success to make them any less dank. Kouyou sat down on the back rest of the couch, his back to Toshiya and he let out a sigh of defeat.

“I'm in love...” he laid down the first words with a hint of defeat in his voice. “I'm in love and it is terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. ” Kouyou smiled and rolled the bottle between his hands in his lap. He could feel Toshiya move around on the couch.

“But that's great isn't it? Being in love.” Kouyou could see the happy face Toshiya was making.

“I suppose. But I'm terrified the one I'm in love with doesn't feel the same.”

“Why wouldn't they feel the same? You're wonderful.” Toshiya sat up on his knees and leaned his elbows on the back rest. He looked up at Kouyou who was developing a furious blush on his cheeks.

“You think I'm wonderful?” he asked timidly and smiled down at his hands, daring a glance towards Toshiya's smiling face. “I'm bearable at best.” he chuckled and took another swig of his beer to calm the nervous lightheadedness Toshiya's words caused in him.

“Shut up, Scatterbrain-kun, I refuse to flatter you,” Toshiya chided and drank from his own beer too. “Now tell me more.”

“You just told me to shut up, didn't you?” Kouyou teased and earned a playful slap on his leg from Toshiya which clearly said don't kid around, just do it. Kouyou sighed and “I'm in love with you.” rolled of his tongue so easy it made him uneasy. He sat there, looking slightly in Toshiya's direction, waiting for an answer as he picked on one of the seams on the couch. Toshiya looked baffled, and Kouyou didn't blame him. He would've been baffled too if someone confessed like that to him.

“Me?” Toshiya managed after a long and pretty nasty silence, if you asked Kouyou. Kouyou nodded and twiddled his fingers. “How long?”

“I don't know...” Kouyou admitted. He hadn't really thought of it. “It crept up on me gradually.” he scrunched his nose and looked at Toshiya, who was staring ahead of himself. Eventually his gaze met Kouyou's and Kouyou could see the confusion and surprise that was mulling inside the other man.

“I don't know what to say, Kouyou...” Toshiya sighed and pursed his lips and Kouyou felt his heart clench uncomfortably in his chest and his innards turn to ice. “I'm flattered,” he smiled softly. “I must say I didn't expect that though.”

“Neither did I...” Kouyou muttered, dread taking over his spirit. His panic must've shown because Toshiya reached over and took away his beer bottle and placed it on the floor with his own bottle. Kouyou got anxious, because he thought Toshiya would leave and he reached for his arm. “Don't go, please, I'm so sorry, I don't even know if you like guys and here I am confessing and you probably think I'm disgusting, I'm sor-”

“Listen now,” Toshiya exhaled sharply and cut off Kouyou's panicked rambling. He got up and rounded the couch, Kouyou's hand still in his. “I'm not angry at you, so don't be sorry and I most certainly do not hate you,” he took Kouyou's other hand in his as well and squeezed them lightly. “I just can't answer you I feel the same.” he told the other truthfully and Kouyou smiled bitterly because why the hell would he walk around with his hopes up anyway?

“I- uh...” he looked at their joined hands and this unbelievable sorrow washed over him, because he could've potentially destroyed their friendship with this and this might just as well be the last time he held Toshiya's hands in his.

“Hey, Kou. Look at me will you?” Toshiya's voice commanded him gently and Kouyou lifted his gaze from their hands to Toshiya's eyes and he wanted to cry, because it was the most beautiful face he had ever seen in his life at that very moment, and it felt like it would be the last time he'd see it because this all seemed so final.

“I like you a lot, but... It never reached as far as your feelings and I've never thought of us together as a couple,” Toshiya squeezed Kouyou's hands a little harder when he saw how Kouyou's shoulders slumped in defeat and his eyes filled with heartbreak. “So, will you allow me some time to think about this and how I feel?” he raised Kouyou's trembling knuckles to his lips and laid a gentle kiss on them.

Kouyou didn't believe his ears when Toshiya lit new hope in his heart and he looked at the sincerely smiling man and back down at their hands and how Toshiya was rubbing gentle circles on his fingers. Kouyou felt so relieved he could die. He smiled and chuckled nervously, but nodded.

“Yeah. I think I can do that.” he grinned at Toshiya, who broke out in a similar ear-to-ear smile and pulled Uruha flush against his chest.

“Thank you, Scatterbrain-kun.” Toshiya laughed softly and held tightly onto Kouyou. “And remember, no matter what I decide, I'm still your friend, okay?”

Kouyou nodded against Toshiya's shoulder and held on a little tighter. He sighed and closed his eyes, willing himself to not cry of relief. There were still no victories or losses he could celebrate, nor mourn. He had to wait for what Toshiya found was best for them both. And he would wait.

“Take as much time as you need,” Kouyou muttered against Toshiya's shoulder. He could wait. He had waited long enough to confess this to Toshiya, so he could wait for the moon to come down from the sky if needed. “Just don't run away, ok?” he knocked on the other man's on the shoulder blades for emphasis.

“I won't, I promise,” Toshiya grinned and pulled away from Kouyou, his hands resting hesitantly on his waist. He looked like he was about to say something, but decided to smile instead. It left Kouyou curious, but he was too distracted by the hands on his waist and how he imagined he could get used to that. “I should go now.” he raised his eyebrows and stepped away from Kouyou to collect his things.

“Okay.” Kouyou wrapped his arms around himself and followed Toshiya to the door.

“I promise I won't be a stranger.” Toshiya reassured Kouyou when he had pulled his shoes back on and stood in the hallway.

“You better not be,” Kouyou smiled and leaned against the door frame. “Catch you later?” he asked, his voice laced with hope and heart aflutter.

“Definitely,” Toshiya nodded. “And thanks for the beer.”

“Don't mention it.” Kouyou waved goodbye as Toshiya walked over to the elevator. Only after the doors slid close, he dared to close his own and lean back against it. Well. This was going to be an awkward and hysterical wait.

A week went by and the rain season began. Toshiya still hadn't delivered a message about how he felt about Kouyou and if he was willing to try the waters as lovers. Kouyou wasn't familiar with this kind of nervous waiting. Toshiya kept up contact, just like he had promised, calling Kouyou, inviting him out to eat and sending text messages of fun stuff he had experienced during the day, like how Kyo had fallen asleep on the studio couch or how this one corgi had reminded him of Kaoru, because they both had short legs. Kouyou had laughed of course, because that was hilarious. But he had grimaced a few times as well, because it wasn't what he had expected to hear. Another week rolled by and Toshiya still kept him on his toes, his hopes going both up and down.

It was a Sunday in August when it was particularly rainy, when Kouyou was feeling the most miserable in a long while when someone knocked on his door. He groaned, because he wasn't expecting anyone and he looked and felt like a mess.

“Coming...” he muttered half-heartedly and dragged himself to the door, ready to chase away any door-to-door salesman that might've stood behind it. He was surprised to find a soaking wet Toshiya behind the door, looking way too happy considering his situation.

“Why on Earth are you soaking wet?” was the first thing that blew past Kouyou's lips when he saw him.

“It rains, in case you haven't noticed,” Toshiya smiled his sunshine smile. “Can I come in?” he looked past Kouyou and the inviting dryness there was, unlike out in the street. Kouyou moved aside and let the wet man in.

“I'll go get you a towel.” Kouyou disappeared down the hall and into the bathroom to pick up a couple of towels for Toshiya to use and wondered briefly if he should provide him with some dry clothes as well. He supposed Toshiya would ask for it if he felt he was uncomfortable and retuned with the towels to the other man who was busy trying to untangle himself from a shirt that had mostly plastered itself to him. Kouyou ended up helping him to pull it off his shoulders and hang it to dry, along with his jeans, socks and converses.

“Thanks!” Toshiya towelled himself as dry as possible and Uruha had a hard time to focus on something else than the half-naked body that was his friend.

“Want something to wear?” he decided Toshiya was too conceited and comfortable with himself to make the request, and did it for him. He didn't allow Toshiya to reply before he shuffled into his bedroom and pulled out some sweatpants and an old tour t-shirt. Toshiya took them and chuckled at how the pants were too short on him and the t-shirt was almost too tight around the shoulders. Kouyou scoffed. Yes, Toshiya was taller and his shoulders were wider than his, but at least he had provided for a friend in need.

“I could get used to this.” Toshiya smiled and pulled at the hem of the t-shirt.

“Wouldn't it be easier to just use an umbrella?” Kouyou cocked his hip to the side, arms folded in front of him, but he couldn't help but smile. Toshiya looked nice in his stuff. Said man snorted and walked up to Kouyou and grabbed hold of his waist, leading him into the living room. He sat himself on the back rest of the couch and pulled a slightly ruffled Kouyou between his legs, almost too close for comfort and Kouyou found himself becoming nervous again.

“What are we doing?” he asked timidly, as Toshiya's hands stayed firm on his waist.

“You're standing, I'm sitting.” Toshiya answered with a glint of mischief in his eyes, clearly enjoying the fact that Kouyou was squirming under his gaze. Kouyou sighed, his face a frown.

“Don't tease me.” he wasn't going to play this game. Hell no. He attempted to back away, but Toshiya pulled him back and even wrapped his legs around Kouyou's to keep him in place. Kouyou blushed bright red, both from irritation and embarrassment. This scene was quite familiar from his dreams and he had to look away.

“Don't be boring, love. The best part comes now.” Toshiya unwrapped his legs around Kouyou's as if he had come to second thoughts and stood up; their chests now flush against each others. Kouyou swore he could count every freckle on Toshiya's cheeks and he could feel Toshiya's even breaths hit his own face. Toshiya's hands were still firm on his waist and Kouyou had no idea should he hold onto Toshiya as well or just push him away for being a jerk when he knew how delicate this thing was to him.

“Toshiya...” Kouyou groaned.

“Shush, Kouyou. I'm trying to tell you I want to be yours and you to be mine, but you keep interrupting me! What should I do, kiss you to make you shut up?” Toshiya grinned and grinned even more when realisation hit Kouyou and he blinked dumbfounded.

“Yeah, maybe you should.” he agreed after a second of thought. Toshiya laughed and the hold he had of Kouyou's waist tightened. Kouyou felt his heart rate speed up as Toshiya leaned down the slightest and their lips touched shyly. He closed his eyes and wrapped his hands around Toshiya's shoulders, not wanting to let go of him now that he was his. Toshiya was Kouyou's and Kouyou was Toshiya's. He dared to press his lips more firmly against Toshiya's and he felt Toshiya smile against his mouth and mirror his moves. Kouyou whined when they pulled apart, but Toshiya pecked him on the forehead rubbed his nose against Kouyou's, smiling widely as he did.

“Dumbass-chan. ” Kouyou scoffed and laid his head on Toshiya's shoulder. He couldn't quite stop smiling.

“Scatterbrain-kun.” Toshiya smiled and leaned his cheek on Kouyou's head. He felt like this was the beginning of something great.

The end.

    1 tykkää.
Vuoden crossover
Viestit: 270
Liittynyt: To Elo 14, 2008 5:43 pm
Paikkakunta: NU ÅBO

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