White Noise [Közi/Kyo, R, EN]

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White Noise [Közi/Kyo, R, EN]

ViestiKirjoittaja Ninjin » To Joulu 06, 2012 8:47 pm

Title: White Noise
Author: tomaattikopio
Pairing: Kyo/Közi, mention of Kyo/fem
Rating: R
Genre: angst
Warnings: Casual sex, general uneasiness.
Summary: Kyo finds himself returning to a place that holds nothing for him anymore, and is found by someone who expected him to come.

A/N: Fic for winter fic exchange over on LJ, my target requested angsty Közi/Kyo. Ended up being trippy, but receiving end was happy with it. Yay. :]

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

The club's noise was overwhelming on the side where it mattered. On the other, there was the usual muffled silence.
Kyo raised his glass and stared through its bottom. He couldn't say he enjoyed the view but it did distort reality in a manner that was pleasant to his eyes. The table's surface bent about the edges of the glass and it was coloured a shade of gold by the drink inside, a curious little detail. A sigh escaped the male's lips and painted the insides of the glass white for a moment, leaving see-through spots around invisible drops of liquid.

His throat ached. That was its defining trait these days, aching like he'd never used it in his life before, each muscle behaving like stretching and supporting his voice wasn't its main purpose. He'd done a short practice earlier and that had been enough to trigger the pain. It came out of nowhere, starting when he'd already moved past his limits and not a moment before then, leaving him guessing where the actual lines were drawn. He brushed his short hair back and raised his eyes for a moment, looking at the dimly lit club, passingly taking notes of the people in it. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, perhaps nothing, perhaps he just thought he should have been expecting something as he always had been when he'd gotten there. Tonight, he wasn't waiting for the familiar shape to appear through the crowd. Tonight he was simply sitting there out of a habit, drinking anything cold to stop the pain, wishing the white noise in his mind would subside and make space for something he could use, inspiration or motivation, a reason to live.

Instead, he had the white noise. At least it was a loyal companion.

His heart sunk when someone sat on the vacant chair opposite of him. The intruder hadn't even had the courtesy of asking, merely taking what he wanted and expecting it to be fine with Kyo simply because he was alone. The vocalist pulled up his hood and hoped the gesture was clear enough.
He had no idea how to react when the intruder grabbed his glass and set it aside. For a moment, he considered yelling, but managed to contain the sound and instead raised his head with the most poisonous look in his eyes, challenging the man to defend himself.
The man did not. Instead, he brushed his coarse-looking hair aside and grinned.
"I've waited long enough," he said like there was no need for introductions, "She isn't coming tonight, is she?"

Kyo couldn't find a single reason to answer. Instead, he pulled his glass back and sipped out of it bitterly. The man in front of him chuckled quietly, bringing his hand over the table and pressing a finger under his chin, prompting him to look forwards.
"I'll show you a good time tonight. You won't remember her after you've known me."

It took a moment for Kyo to recognise the other. He'd seen him before - years back. They hadn't talked. They hadn't exchanged more than a passing look. He'd performed with Haruhiko Ash, Kyo had come by accident. He hadn't known the man in front of him had known he'd been there, much less that it had meant anything to him at all. To Kyo, it hadn't meant anything. He'd spent his evening.

Tonight, he could do it all over again.
There was no reason to decline the offer, they both had their reputation to protect.
Under limited circumstances, sex was means to an end, a way of losing a moment that wasn't worth holding onto.
The younger pursed his lips, the white noise inside his mind suddenly dying, making space for thoughts that he wasn't looking for. Finally he nodded minimalistically.

*

They chose a hotel nearby, the older signing them in as anonymously as he could while Kyo waited further away, so deep inside his hoodie he seemed to have disappeared from inside it, leaving only the shape behind. He held his foot on the lowest step of the stairs and shifted uncomfortably every now and then, avoiding the light like a vampire fearing a sunburn. For the past years, he'd given up on hotels. It had lasted so long he'd forgotten how uneasy using one made him feel. He'd brought her to his own home, let her into his life, went to her home and joined her life. They'd frequented a shady love hotel, making the rooms theirs by living a different life in them, forgetting all that existed beyond.
After she was gone, he didn't know where to go anymore.
For that, a hotel room was perfect. It had as little character as he had idea of what he desired.

"Come on, kitty. It's 48 tonight."
The older laid his hand across his shoulders and got him moving like he owned him. Kyo's feet ascended the stairs without his mind truly following where his body went. That body was already aroused from what he knew would follow, but he seemed to feel it through a sort of a mist. If there'd ever been something he wished for, it was that the man had spoken the truth when he'd picked him up at the club. That after tonight, he wouldn't remember anymore, that the numbness would be gone.
His wishes had never really had much hope behind them. They were empty shells, blank papers left at burning shrines.

"It's been a while for me," he said as they entered the room, finally safe from outside ears.

"With men?"

The younger nodded, absently pushing down his hood and dragging the zipper open. He ditched the heavy fabric on the nearest surface, feeling the older's fingers upon his inked skin, pushing under the short sleeves of his white shirt, turning him around.
Their lips joined. Kyo felt like his were dead, like they didn't quite remember how to move, but Közi knew what he was doing.
There was a contrast between them - Kyo was ice and the other was fire. The only thing the younger knew how to do was to melt to the touch of the flames. The lack of response made the older chuckle.
"Are you always so out of it after a break-up?"

Kyo raised his hand and grabbed the other's hair, forcing eye contact.
"I have nothing left," he said tonelessly.

"That's why I brought you here."
Közi undid his grip and held his hand as he pushed him back all the way to the bed, landing him on his back there, climbing on top and pressing his lips against the younger's neck. He breathed against the skin there and nipped at it, awakening the younger's senses, tempting him to enjoy. Then he breathed again for a longer while, holding still, just as still as Kyo was staying.

The younger's fingers closed the distance between their bodies. They pressed against the front of the older's jeans and touched him, prompting a sound and a shiver from the other. He raised his hips until his hand was caught in between, pulled it away, gripping the other's shirt with it instead.
He felt the older's lips on his neck again as their bodies pressed together, hands acting on their own accord, pushing under clothes and ripping them off of them both, uncaring of how hard it was or how much damage they did as long as there was nothing left between their skins in as little time as possible. Kyo closed his eyes, still arching his back as he felt Közi's body drawing back from his. The cold air that swept across his naked abdomen left the fine hair standing up all across his body until the other leaned against him again. The tip of his tongue traced the shapes of Kyo's abs before moving onto his thighs and then disappearing between two dry, warm lips. The touch did miracles, relaxing the younger's body until he was spreading his legs almost unnoticingly, begging for more, his breathing heavy.

Then, without a warning, he pulled himself up from the bed and got on his knees, staring into the other's eyes. There was a pause during which he allowed Közi to catch up on what had just happened, but when it was gone, he moved on without a sign of hesitation. The kisses his lips gave the other male's neck were more violence than they were affection and his fingers in the older's hair tugged and pulled and controlled, his left hand holding onto the thin arm of the other's so hard it left bruises on the pale skin. When he moved up to the man's lips, kissing them with the same ferocity as he'd kissed his neck, he felt him smiling. The older reached his hand to pleasure Kyo, encouraging him on until the younger found himself from on top of him, knees on both sides of his hips, lap on his lap, for the moment looking down on him. He couldn't look for long - the older grabbed the hair at the back of his head and pulled until his neck was exposed, taking his turn at marking him his again, hand still on the length of his cock.

Kyo had been silent until then, but the longer he controlled his voice the clearer it got that he wouldn't be able to relax enough to truly feel anything beyond the flashes he got unless he'd let go of all control. Hesitantly, he did so, and when he let out the first still suppressed moan, he felt his horizon tilting and turning as he fell back, the bed creaking as his weight landed on it.
He gasped for air when the older's body vanished from on top of him again, never once opening his eyes before he was back. His body jerked up when he felt the cold liquid over the male's finger, but he forced it down to the bed and with a deep breath relaxed his muscles to allow entry - his eyes were open again
and he watched the white ceiling painted blue by the lack of light in the room, particles like noise in an image dancing all over his vision. Közi fucked him slow with that one finger, then allowed another to press inside him. The feel of his skin rubbing against the sensitive ring of muscle he was stretching sent waves of pleasure up and down the younger's body until his breathing was heavy and his legs pulling apart and up on their own accord, begging more in tune to his moans and wavering gasps for air.

"Do you still remember?" Közi asked, moving on top of him, pressing his hips between Kyo's legs, breathing in his scent.

"Remember what?"

A smile lingered upon the older's lips as he pulled Kyo's hips up and made him his - just for that night.

One little thing at a time.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~
"I'm an angel, you ass. I don't have a soul to sell."

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Re: White Noise [Közi/Kyo, R, EN]

ViestiKirjoittaja Avalyn » La Marras 30, 2013 11:11 pm

Tämän ficin julkaisusta näyttää kuluneen jo melkein vuosi, mutta kun kukaan ei ole tajunnut käydä kommentoimassa tätä, niin minä teen sen nyt. Toivottavasti luet tämän kommentin joskus, vaikka et enää niin aktiivisesti Lafissa liikukaan.

En yleisesti ottaen usko siihen, että yhdenillanjutut ratkaisisivat kenenkään ongelmia, mutta tämän ficin tapauksessa en osaa paheksua tai edes kummastella Kyon päätöstä lähteä Közin matkaan. Ehkä se johtuu siitä, että et missään vaiheessa yritä väittää, että yö Közin kanssa ratkaisisi Kyon kaikki ongelmat ja että he eläisivät sen jälkeen elämänsä loppuun saakka onnellisina yhdessä. Sen sijaan seksi on tässä ficissä keino päästä edes hetkeksi irti turtumuksesta ja huomata, ettei elämä ehkä sittenkään ole aivan toivotonta. Ficin loppu tuntuu itse asiassa varsin toiveikkaalta, joskaan en ole varma, kuinka kauan Kyon parempi olo jatkuu. Onneksi voin aina toivoa, että Közi viettelee Kyon toisenkin kerran sänkyyn kanssaan ja laittaa tämän tuntemaan jotain muutakin kuin turtumusta.

Jäin miettimään, mitä se "valkoinen melu" oikeastaan on, jota Kyo kuulee jatkuvasti päässään. Ehkä se tarkoittaa ihan vain turtumusta ja tyhjyyttä - jos pää on aivan tyhjä, sen voi kuvitella humisevan, mitä voisi ehkä kuvailla "valkoiseksi meluksi". Joka tapauksessa Kyota riivaava "valkoinen melu" on niin keskeinen elementti tässä ficissä, että sen nostaminen koko ficin nimeksi on perusteltua. Koko tarinassahan on kyse siitä, että Kyo yrittää päästä eroon "valkoisesta melusta" päässään, missä hän ainakin hetkellisesti Közin avulla onnistuukin.

Valkoinen melu ei ole ainoa asia, jonka tämä ficci jättää tarkemmin selittämättä. Vaille vastausta jäävät muun muassa seuraavat kysymykset: Miksi Kyo ja nainen erosivat? Ovatko ero ja ääniongelmat ainoa syy Kyon toivottomuuteen? Mistä Közi tiesi etsiä Kyoa juuri tuosta baarista? Miksi Közi haluaa auttaa Kyoa? Uteliaana ihmisenä haluaisin aina saada tietää kaiken. :D Toisaalta minusta on kuitenkin hyvä, että jätit niin paljon auki, koska aukot ovat aina mielenkiintoisia ja aktivoivat lukijan mielikuvitusta. Lisäksi se, ettei Kyon ja naisen suhteesta tai Közin motiiveista kerrota paljoakaan, luo tähän ficciin hivenen salaperäisen tunnelman, mikä ei ole ollenkaan pahasta.

Pidän muuten siitä, ettei ero ole ainoa syy Kyon toivottomuuteen, vaan siihen liittyvät myös ääniongelmat. Se saa tämän ficin tuntumaan realistisemmalta ja Kyon pahan olon oikeutetummalta. En nyt tarkoita, ettei ero olisi riittävä syy masentua, mutta Kyo vaikuttaa ihmiseltä, joka ei ihan pienestä vaivu apatiaan. Vaikka ero ottaa varmasti koville, luulen, että samanaikaiset ääniongelmat tekevät tilanteesta vielä monin verroin raskaamman Kyolle, koska hän on nyt menettänyt peräti kaksi rakkauden kohdetta kerralla. Laulaminen ja musiikki yleensä lienevät myös Kyolle tärkeitä keinoja käsitellä omia tunteitaan, ja nyt kun nuo keinot ovat poissa käytöstä, hän ei tiedä, miten käsittelisi eroon liittyviä tunteitaan, minkä takia hän tuntee olonsa niin kurjaksi.

Täytyy sanoa, että ihastuin tämän ficin Köziin. Hän on jotenkin niin mutkaton, toisaalta kiusoitteleva ja vallaton, mutta toisaalta myös huolehtivainen ja omalla tavallaan hellä. Kaikki hänen repliikkinsä ovat minusta erittäin onnistuneita ja ihastuttavan persoonallisia. Hänen lupauksensa siitä, että Kyo unohtaa naisensa vietettyään yön hänen kanssaan, voisi jossakin toisessa yhteydessä kuulostaa todella itserakkaalta mutta tässä yhteydessä se kuulostaa vain vilpittömältä. Közi tuntuu todella haluavan auttaa Kyo, vaikka emme koskaan saakaan tietää kovin tarkasti, miksi. Kenties Közi on ollut jo pitkään ihastunut Kyoon? Ainakin hän vaikuttaa olevan harvinaisen hyvin perillä Kyon seurustelukuvioista ottaen huomioon, että he ovat nähneet toisensa vain kerran aiemmin. Siksi veikkaukseni onkin, että Közi iski jo kauan sitten silmänsä Kyoon ja on sittemmin pitänyt tätä silmällä ja odottanut tilaisuuttaan päästä osoittamaan tunteensa jossakin muodossa.

Közin lisäksi ihastuin siihen dynamiikkaan, jonka saat rakennettua Kyon ja Közin välille. Vaikka tämä ficci on varsin lyhyt ja tarina tiivis, Kyon ja Közin välillä on enemmän yhteyttä kuin toisinaan moniosaisten ficcien rakastavaisten välillä. Közi tuntuu tietävän tarkalleen, miten Kyon kanssa kannattaa menetellä ja mitä tämä tarvitsee. Kyo taas on ensin vastahakoinen mutta sulaa sitten ja päätyy nauttimaan tilanteesta enemmän kuin todennäköisesti osasi etukäteen toivoakaan. Luulen, että Kyo ajatteli baarista lähtiessään vain saavansa hiukan fyysistä nautintoa, mutta loppuviimeksi hän saakin paljon enemmän.

Lopuksi voisin vielä kehua tunnelmaa, joka on koruttomuudessaan kaunis. Koko ficin ajan läsnä tuntuu olevan hiljainen melankolia, jonka syytä on vaikea määrittää. Paikoitellen tunnelmaa sävyttävät myös epätoivo, välinpitämättömyys sekä lopussa hento toiveikkuus, mutta melankolia on kuitenkin koko ajan päällimmäisenä. Tuntuu, että tämän ficin maailma on pohjimmiltaan surumielinen paikka, jossa parasta, mitä ihminen voi tehdä, on etsiä joku jakamaan tuo surumielisyys kanssaan ja tekemään siitä siedettävää.

Kiitos jälleen yhdestä ihastuttavasta lukuelämyksestä! ^^
Jossain ollessaan on jostain poissa.

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