Sandalwood [Kaoru/Kyo, EN, PG-13]

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Sandalwood [Kaoru/Kyo, EN, PG-13]

ViestiKirjoittaja Ninjin » Ti Loka 02, 2012 9:21 am

Title: Sandalwood
Pairing: Kaoru/Kyo
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Disbanded Dir en grey. 8(
Genre: angst, romance, drama
Prompt: Kaoru/Kyo, after disbanding, admitting of feelings.
Summary: Kyo had grown up, it seemed. Toned down, become one with the masses as long as he wore a long-sleeved shirt with the collar up.
His life lacked purpose ever since the band was disbanded. Life simply went on, he woke up each day to struggle through. Each day he patched the hole with something and pretended he wasn't still confused.


A/N: I'm an awful, shameless sucker for this subject. Post-band angst - if someone requests it, I'll indulge. Oh yes I will indeed. So, cadkitten did, and I indulged. Have fun with the results.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Wednesday, 5:47am

Kyo laid down the pen and leaned back in his seat. The humming of his laptop, pushed to the side on the table and recharging, was soothing somehow. The man reached out for the curtains covering the pale morning, tugged them apart and let his tired, swollen eyes take in the sight.
His lips were dry and so was his throat, so after a moment he rose, retreated to the kitchen and put some water boiling for a cup of tea.

It was springtime, cherry blossoms hadn't yet opened up but one could see the buds emerging in trees everywhere. Winds were warming and so were the mornings, the coldness of winter had already left, leaving behind only the memory of itself. Flowers, grass and trees were pushing that memory into nothing as they rose to meet the sun's warmth.

Kyo didn't particularly care for spring. Not like he particularly cared for anything these days, but spring made him feel even less motivated than other seasons. It was draining to see life fill the world around him while he himself was so stuck, unable to be reborn. His life lacked purpose ever since the band was disbanded, it had been years by now but he had never quite managed to fill that opening again. He had been surprised by how long he'd lived like this. Ten years before he'd thought he'd die the day the band would be over, but life was a miraculous, mysterious force that pumped through him every day even when he was worth nothing any longer and would have been better dead.
He wrote, wrote and wrote, trying to put his soul into words as if he could grasp it that way, understand it, understand himself and unlock the secret that would finally let him rest in peace. There seemed to be no grand finale however. Life simply went on, he woke up each day to struggle through. Each day he patched the hole with something and pretended he wasn't still confused.

He wore appropriate clothes, styled his hair, ate healthy, excercised some but not nearly as much as he had back when it mattered, which had resulted in his previously firm stomach turning softer even as he'd lost some weight – probably the weight from his muscles and nothing more, he'd figured.
He went out, sat down in random places whenever he felt like it, sketching lyrics and poems into his notebook with a steaming hot takeaway coffee by his side.
He'd grown up, it seemed. Toned down, become one with the masses as long as he wore a long-sleeved shirt with the collar up. When he didn't, he was cast out, but if something had remained as it had been, it was his indifference to social disapproval.

Today he planned to get a couple hours of sleep and go to the café within a walking distance to grab some breakfast. He'd check his mail and reply lazily, one-wordedly to everything that required his immediate attention. He'd watch other people and read from their behaviour the secrets they thought were so well hidden from everyone's eyes. He'd move out and go back home, make some tea, retreat to writing. The collection wasn't finishing itself.

*

Kaoru pulled smoke into his tired-feeling lungs and tried to focus his eyes on the screen.
”What did you say it needs?” he asked, moving the mouse across the screen to call up a new window where he'd drag the tracks onto.

”The third guitar, it's... right there, that one.”

”Right,” Kaoru agreed and let out the smoke in a steady blow as he took the appropriate file and made some preadjustments to it, joining it with the rest when he was finished and minimizing that window again so it wouldn't take up space.
”0:34?”

”Yup.”

The man next to him rose up and stretched his back, yawning.
”Can we quit though?”

Kaoru huffed.
”I think it's time,” he said and clicked play.

They remained silent for eight minutes while Kaoru dragged the filed up and down and further adjusted the sound of it before letting the track finish to the point they'd gotten to.
”Well, it's not finished, but it's starting to sound like music,” the older finally noted, saving the file again and closing the laptop's screen.

The other disconnected the cables and muttered something Kaoru didn't quite catch. When he rose up, he smirked, however.
”Thanks for helping us out again,” the man said, ”You should come out with us tomorrow night, get some beer and discuss the album.”

Kaoru nodded, leaning back in his chair.
”Sure,” he said and smiled, ”Relaxing doesn't sound too bad at all. Oh, you wanted to talk to Daisuke?”

The man grinned and seemed to blush lightly.
”Yeah, I mean – I thought – you don't have to ask him, man. It's just that... he's an idol and I'd really like to...”

Kaoru sighed. The tone of it was kind, understanding, tired.
”I know. I'll bring him in if he's not busy.”

”Shit,” the younger gasped and let out an excited laugh, ”I'm in your debt.”

”Don't be,” Kaoru replied, meaning it and knowing his meanings mattered little to the other, at worst only got him feel even more indebted to him.
He missed hanging out with Die. It had been a couple months, they were both quite preoccupied with their projects and the timetables rarely matched. He hoped he would be able to catch the man in a good spot this time.
”Well, see you tomorrow, then.”

Fifteen minutes later he'd gotten out of the building. Sun had climbed up in the sky but it didn't seem to warm him up, so as he searched his pockets for his phone he noticed he was shivering the warmth of the studio out of his body at an alarming rate. He placed the thin bit of technology between his lips for the time it took him to close his jacket.
He continued down the street as he typed a mail to Die, asking him out for a drink with himself and the band he was helping out for the time being, knowing Die knew who he was talking about and it'd make him more likely to make time in his schedule for the meet-up.
The mail was sent swiftly, but his fingers remained on the address book. He'd searched Die from a group – the one he always sought him and the rest out from. His eyes had gotten stuck upon Kyo's name.
When had they last talked to one another?

Two years ago?

He'd been afraid to call the man. They'd never really talked much outside work. Kyo wasn't the talking type, and Kaoru was the socially awkward guy who kept his distance unless explicitly invited in. But he'd loved Kyo – he'd loved him in a different manner from the rest, in a way that had further made keeping contact difficult between them.
He always felt so afraid when he spoke to Kyo. Afraid he'd let something slip, that he'd fuck it up, that he'd seem... interested.
The feeling was sort of a dull ache in his heart each time he'd been around the man, and since they'd disbanded, every day when he thought of his friends, any of them, because all of them were so closely associated with the reclusive vocalist.

He'd thought he'd let Kyo approach him – and Kyo had never taken the step. It was like he didn't need Kaoru, not even the bit he'd needed the rest, as he was still close with Toshiya and Shinya and sometimes went out with Die as well if they could arrange a date somewhere.

Kaoru noticed he'd stopped in the middle of the street when someone passed him a little too carefully like he seemed suspicious or perhaps dirty somehow. His fingertip hovered above Kyo's name, but he couldn't bring himself to tap it, not even once to open up the options.
He felt a familiar strangling feeling in the base of his neck and quickly turned the screen off, then pushed his phone down his pocket.

When he moved on, he had to wipe his eyes dry, and he wondered whether it was the dryness or because he'd actually hurt so much from battling the thoughts that he'd teared up from it.
He needed some sleep.

*

Friday, 00:32am

Kyo curled up on his couch and pushed his hand down between his thighs for warmth. His freshly washed hair smelled of conditioner and peach perfume as he fingered the curls and unstuck the few that had gotten caught on his forehead. His eyes wandered up to the red ceiling of his red living room, to the golden statue on his altar, to the pillows on his floor and finally to the large TV screen closer to the couch. He was reaching for the remote when his phone next to it lit up and vibrated against the dark wooden table, so he grabbed that instead and answered the call with creased brows and parted lips.

”Eh?”

He could hear the older male breathing on the line, sniffing in a very familiar way, and suddenly he was flooded with a mess of strong, unidentified emotions and a terrible, burning ache in his chest which made him rise up from the couch, trembling.
”Hey, Kyo. Sorry I'm a bit drunk, but I think this is the only way I can talk to you.”

Kyo didn't know what to say.

”So yeah I was going to ask – are you at home? Is your home where it used to be? Can I come over?”

”... no. I mean, it's not where it used to be. I'll send you the address. Don't come if you're really drunk.”

Kaoru sniffed again.
”Damn it's really fucking cold out here. Alright, I'll grab a taxi and send it there and it better not be a warehouse, Kyo.”

Kyo smiled.
”It's not a warehouse, I swear,” he said and ended the call as unceremoniously as he always did.
He typed his address in a blank mail and sent it off to Kaoru, threw his phone in the corner of the couch and noticed his heart was racing like he'd just survived a potentially fatal accident unscathed.

Uncertain as to what to do, he pulled himself up again and went for the action that he usually picked when he was nervous – he'd make some tea. This time for two, however. He'd last had a visitor three months ago when he'd brought a close friend in for casual sex. He'd never been the type to want people crashing in on his private space unless it was important to do so, and this occasion he could consider important enough for a special permission.

Kaoru hadn't called him in years. He hadn't thought much of it, they hadn't been very close by the time the band had broken apart – Kaoru had kept his distance and he'd learned to live with it. It still hurt sometimes, knowing how much he'd craved for even the little contact he could get to the man, every bit of attention, positive and negative alike, but he had survived.
Now hearing that dark, rough voice over the phone was raising all his demons from the dark pits he'd buried them into and sealed in there with determined ignorance, and for the first time in weeks he felt alive and human again.
He'd been in love with the man, and right now it seemed he still was, the feelings had merely lied dormant, waiting for the right moment to rise up as fresh as ever to remind him he wasn't immune and had never been to what everyone else fell so easily for around him.

*

Kaoru checked the number thrice before requesting entry. He climbed up six levels and took the elevator up for the rest, wishing his heart would calm down or at least not kill him before he'd see Kyo eye to eye again. He had to be insane to do this, but he hadn't been able to think anything but Kyo since the day before yesterday when he'd accidentally overthought about his name and number on his phone.
He'd had fun out drinking, but Die, as usual, was the social little butterfly who had all the stage for himself, and when he'd noticed nobody was interested in what he had to say anymore and there were three girls he didn't know and hadn't noticed arriving, he'd decided he could just as well do something with the remaining lifetime he had and pulled up the phone.
And here he was now – standing in front of Kyo's doorway.

He knocked and waited.

The door seemed to open by itself, the only parts of Kyo he could catch a glimpse of were his tattooed fingers and his back, covered by a plain black collared shirt. He entered the corridor, closed the door behind him, took off his shoes and stepped on the elevated copper-coloured wooden floor leading inside. The apartment was huge by Tokyo's standards, but it was in a worse area where demand was lower than elsewhere, so it might not have cost Kyo his whole fortune – even though it probably had, at least at the time. The living room was lit by multiple candles and there was an incense stick burning by the altar Kaoru had seen a hundred times before. The kitchen was lit by electric light even though quite dimly, he saw part of the room from the spot he was standing on and followed the invisible trail left by the younger man until he reached the doorway.
The light that was on was the cooking light above the stove, the rest of the room was dark. Kyo was leaning to his fridge a couple steps away from the light, examining Kaoru from head to toe. He smiled faintly, and he looked better than he had looked when they'd last seen – older, yes, but also well rested and very healthy. His thick hair was shining a natural, healthy reflection of the lights, and his skin had a good colour. His dark, inspective eyes looked deeper and clearer than Kaoru remembered.

Kyo was taking in his appearance as well, and the examination was far from discreet.
”You still don't sleep, do you?” the younger asked as a greeting, his piercing stare momentarily passing by Kaoru's eyes.

The confrontation made the older male's breath catch in his throat.
”No. But you do. I'm happy to see that.”

Kyo huffed and didn't reply. He looked out the window to the dark night outside, and Kaoru examined his reflection for a moment.

”So, sandalwood these days?” he started again, leaning his hips to the table next to him.

”Every now and then. I like the scent,” Kyo replied, glancing at him again, not quite as aggressively as before however.
”Pick a tea, the water's ready. I'll go pick some music so our awkward silences won't get too thick.”

Kaoru answered the somehow sympathetic smile Kyo offered him as he passed by. When the other had exited the room, he picked himself up again and went through the box of tea bags left on the table. He pulled out a bag of Masala chai, brought it over to the two hand-crafted cups and dropped it in the other after trying to figure out which one was his or if it mattered at all. He was pouring water over the bag when Kyo came back, picked a bag without hesitation and joined Kaoru by the desk to wait for his turn.
Kaoru watched him drop his bag into the available cup and then pull up the sleeves of his shirt, revealing the beautiful, detailed tattoos of his arms. As Kyo poured water to his own cup, Kaoru couldn't take his eyes off the images on his skin. He'd thought he'd never forget, but it was like he was seeing those tattoos for the first time. He'd forgotten most of the detail, most of the images. The overall idea was carved into his soul for forever, but he'd still forgotten the little things that perfected it.

*

Kyo lead them back to the candlelit living room and on the couch. He didn't pay attention to the moody track on the background, but Kaoru noted it. He replied with an uncertain smile, not knowing how to answer to the comment.
They sat there in silence for a good five minutes, blowing into their drinks every now and then and trying to avoid looking at one another for the rest of the time. Kyo breathed in the scent of the Chandan incense, his mind surprisingly calm considering the situation.
He wondered if he'd become immune to awkward silences or if it was because he was with Kaoru, if the years between them really didn't matter much now that they were there together again.

”What are you doing these days?” Kaoru finally asked, daring to sip his tea to cover the fear he was clearly fighting that was rooted in something Kyo couldn't identify.
He seemed to be afraid of his own voice.

”Nothing much,” Kyo replied.
Then he realised that if there had ever been a time in his life he really had to talk, it was now.
”I've finished a poem book and I'm writing another. Playing around with the thought of singing again, for a solo work perhaps. I've done work together with others, of course, but you know of that.”

”Yeah, I've followed your work when there's been something to follow. You live quite quietly,” Kaoru noted and faced Kyo again.

Kyo shrugged.
”I've always lived quietly.”

”You have,” the older admitted and smiled almost apologetically.
”I've worked, as you noticed. With quite a couple bands actually, but I was thinking – maybe I'm not too old for another try. Nothing as serious as Dir en grey was, but something to put my thoughts into. Something to fill up my days with, like Die and Shinya do.”

”Toshiya's forming a new band I heard,” Kyo added and sipped his tea as well.
It tasted sweeter than he'd expected.

”Really? He hasn't spoken of it to me,” Kaoru said surprisedly.
He seemed to have relaxed a little now that they were talking. He really wasn't very drunk, if at all anymore, Kyo noticed.

”It's not a secret, but he's been quiet about it. They've planned their first show for December. He's only gotten better since we quit,” he said and sighed quietly.

Kaoru nodded. His eyes seemed to wander off to the burning end of the incense and Kyo followed them there, hypnotised by the dim red light for a moment.

”I'm not going to let this hang between us, Kaoru,” he finally said and looked down, gathering his thoughts to make it as clear and as official or detached as he could, ”so I'll ask you now: Why did you avoid me for the last months? Did you feel it was my fault... that I'm responsible for what happened?”

Kaoru opened his mouth, then closed it again and looked away, frowning.
”No, I never once thought it was your fault. Never.”
He pressed the point by looking at Kyo when he repeated the word, then looked up to the red ceiling and tried to decide what to reply.
Then he decided that now that they were there, two grown men after a long pause with so much history behind them, he had nothing to hide. It didn't even feel scary anymore. It felt natural to let it out.
”For the last months I was in love with you, Kyo. And I feared it'd break us down further, that it'd come between me and you when we were already breaking apart. We didn't need the extra pressure.”

Kyo choked on his tea, but suppressed the need to cough and instead cleared his throat as gently as he could, pushing the liquid up and away from his airways. He looked at Kaoru, curious, disbelieving. Then he nodded with a tiny 'ah', looked down and ran his fingertips around the cup he was holding, thinking of an answer.
It made sense.

He felt stupid.

”And you didn't call me for that same reason?” he asked for confirmation.

”I think so. I thought you might.”

”I didn't,” Kyo stated the obvious and looked up into something that wasn't present in the room, ”I tried but I couldn't find the words.”

”I hoped that would be the reason. I only moved the responsibility on your shoulders, I couldn't find the words either. I guess I wanted to say I'm sorry but I was afraid I'd say something else instead.”

Kyo looked at the older man and smiled. There was a hint of gray in the man's beautiful, long hair, he noticed it now.
”I'm sorry,” he said softly.

Kaoru frowned.
”Why the hell would you be sorry?” he grunted and sipped his tea, ”It's me who should be sorry. For everything. This silence, the band, everything. Especially the fact I'm a coward, Kyo.”

”No,” Kyo sighed and lifted a hand between them in the air, ”You've always been sorry for everything. It was your role for a long while, to take responsibility for everything we fucked up. But it's not your duty now. I'm sorry, Kaoru. I should have called you. And most of all, I should have understood. Now, about the band, I remember it being a very singleminded decision to break it up. Don't be sorry about it, there's nothing to be sorry for. We were together for so long, it was time to let it go. We promised once we'd stop when the spark was gone, and it was certainly gone by then.”

Kaoru didn't answer. He seemed to be at loss for words.
They drank their teas in silence for a couple more minutes, then Kyo reached the hand he'd laid between them over Kaoru's hand and took a grip of it, a gentle but firm grip.
”I loved you too, you know,” he said, not knowing whether there was any better way to put it, or any better timing for it to come out, ”and today, I realised I still do. So I'm sorry for that as well. I'm sorry I wasn't there in time.”

Kaoru stared at him. He'd forgotten to be polite, he'd forgotten to be casual, he'd forgotten it all and he just stared, unable to form words.
Then finally, when the words came, he stumbled all over them like he couldn't remember how to form proper speech.
”If you still feel that today – then you're not late. Your timing has never been better if you really mean that, Kyo.”

Kyo laughed. He didn't really understand why, but he felt so happy he couldn't hold it back. They put their cups on the table at the exact same time and the distance between them vanished like it had never existed – Kyo's lips met Kaoru's and he tasted the older's cigarette-thickened lips, his cool saliva, his equally cool tongue and the mixture of them both.
He felt the older on top of him, his lips on his neck, and he smelled the sandalwood through the fresh scent of Kaoru's hair. The feel of the man's touches on his body made him shiver, and he closed his eyes knowing he'd be at peace tonight, if in a whole another manner than he'd expected.

He let the older unbutton his black shirt, feeling his back arching to the touch with all the need and longing he'd hidden inside himself for years.
An odd, calm, devious smile lingered upon his lips as he pushed his hands under Kaoru's gray long-sleeved shirt and felt his thin fingers clumsily moving to undo his belt.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~
"I'm an angel, you ass. I don't have a soul to sell."

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Re: Sandalwood [Kaoru/Kyo, EN, PG-13]

ViestiKirjoittaja lumiukko » Su Syys 01, 2013 3:26 pm

Mun on pitänyt jo pitkään ottaa itseäni niskasta kiinni ja kommentoida edes jotain, ja huomattuani, että tämä kaipaa ensimmäistä kommenttiaan, kävin viimeinkin tuumasta toimeen ja thadaa - täältä tullaan.
Tälleen aluksi, anteeksi että kommentoin suomeksi. Mun aivot eivät vaan suostu toimimaan kunnolla, saati vääntämään tekstiä englanniksi, joten on pakko tyytyä tähän kotimaiseen. Toivottavasti tämä kommentti kelpaa silti (8

Olen omalla tavallani yllättynyt kahdesta asiasta. Yksi, ettei näin hyvä fic ole saanut aijemmin kommenttia, ja kaksi, etten itsekään huomannut ja lukenut tätä kuin vasta... Erh, puoli vuotta sitten. Ja tää julkaistiin kuitenkin melkein vuosi sitten (ja mun syntymäpäivänä, jee!).

Dir en grey ei ole mulle mitenkään erityisen läheinen tai tärkeä bändi, joten bändin lopettamisen jälkeiseen aikaan sijoittuvat tapahtumat eivät herättäneet mussa mitään suurempia tunteita. Oikeastaan, se oli mun mielestä ajatuksena mielenkiintoinen, koska aiheen arkaluontoisuuden (?) takia siitä ei kirjoiteta paljoa. Tai ainakaan en itse ole kertaa tai kahta useammin törmännyt, mutta sehän taas ei tarkoita mitään. Tuntemattomampi bändi ei myöskään haitannut lukiessa muutenkaan, sillä kuitenkin tiedän suurinpiirtein, miltä kyseiset herrat näyttävät. Muuta mun ei tarvinnutkaan tietää, sillä toit mukavasti molempien luonteita esiin - Kyo on hiljaisempi syrjäänvetäytyjä ja Kaoru taas sosiaalisesti hivenen taitamaton työnarkomaani, joka pistää muutkin työskentelemään lähes aamukuuteen asti. Josta voisin kyllä sanoa, että hyvä mies, yöt on nukkumista varten.

Pidin siitä, miten olit laittanut kellonajat esille. Vaikka mulla aluksi menikin hetki tajuta, että tosiaan, Kaoru oli lopettelemassa töitään varttia vaille kuusi aamulla, mutta se voi johtua jo ihan mun englannin kielen luetunymmärtämisestä. Ja siitä, ettei töitä lopeteta kuudelta aamulla, vaan kuudelta illalla. Tolleen normaalisti. Oli myös mukavaa, että lukijan ensimmäinen kohtaaminen Kaorun kanssa oli Ja samaan aikaan toisaalla -hetki, sillä se loi tunnelmaa siitä, miten nämä kaksi ihmistä eivät olleet tekemisissä toistensa kanssa, miten molempien oma elämä jatkui, vaikka taustalla häämöttivätkin vanhat, pakotettuina unohdetut tunteet.

Alussa ollut kuvaus keväästä oli kaunis, ja pystyin näkemään pääni sisällä Japanin kevään, sellaisena kun sen ajattelen ja millaisia kuvia olen siitä nähnyt. Kuvittelin myös Kyon teekuppi kädessä tuijottelemaan alakuloisena ikkunasta ulos, sillä samaistun hänen ajatuksiinsa keväästä ja sen masentavuudesta. Kyon paikalleen jämähtäneen elämän kuvailu oli myös onnistunut, ja se herätti mussa lieviä ahdistuksen oireita; mikään ei ainakaan mun mielestä ole ahdistavampaa, kun toistaa samaa, jämähtänyttä kaavaa, josta ei itse loppujen lopuksi edes erityisemmin pidä. Ja ahdistusta lisäsi se, ettei Kyoa oikeastaan edes kiinnostanut, mitä hänen elämässään tapahtui. Mun mielestä tunnelman luonti ja lukijalle välittäminen onnistui tässä alussa siis oikein hyvin.

Kohtaaminen Kaorun kanssa oli taas aivan erilainen - tämä oli töissä, ja heti alusta asti välittyi, että Kaorun elämänrytmi oli täysin erilainen verrattuna Kyoon. Toki Kaorukin vaikutti hivenen kaavoihinsa kangistuneelta, mutta musta tuntuu, että niihin kaavoihin hän kangistui jo ennen bändinsä hajoamista.
Kohta, missä Kaoru jää katselemaan Kyon numeroa, on jokseenkin, erh, sympaattinen? Mä en tiedä, miten sitä paremminkaan kuvaisin, mutta joku Kaorun pelossa soittaa toiselle ja ottaa tähän yhteyttä, oli sympaattista. Ja se, miten Kaoru vain huomaamattaan jäi seisomaan paikalleen tuijottaessaan toisen nimeä kännykkänsä näytöllä, antoi selvästi ilmi, että vaikka Kaoru oli ehkä niin ehtinyt itselleen uskottelemaankin, ei hänen tunteensa Kyoa kohtaan olleet minnekään kadonneet. Olihan se toki aika ilmiselvää, ihan jo ficin alkutietojenkin perusteella, mutta minua se ei ainakaan haitannut ollenkaan. Myös Kaorun ratkaisu tähän yhtäkkiseen tunnevyöryyn, jonka hän Kyon nimen näkemisestä sai, oli mielestäni jossain määrin sympaattinen. Asioiden kuittaaminen väsymyksellä on tietenkin aika peruskauraa, mutta tässä tilanteessa se oli jopa fiksun kuuloista; Kaoru oli kuitenkin työskennellyt yön läpeensä, ja Kyon kommentti Kaorun nukkumattomuudesta myöhemmin ficissä antoi ymmärtää, ettei tämä mitenkään erityisen paljon nukkunut muutenkaan.

Kaorun puhelu Kyolle - kännissä, kuinkas muutenkaan - oli suhteellisen odotettu käänne. Arvelin jo Kaorun tuijotellessa toisen nimeä, että juomingit Dien ja kumppaneiden kanssa saattaisi hyvinkin päättyä tähän. En siltikään valita liian nopeasta tai arvattavasta etenemisestä - pidempi haahuilu ja arpominen ei mun mielestä olisi edes sopinut tähän ficciin. Jonka lisäks, sitähän he olivat harrastaneet jo pitkään, ja asioiden pitkittäminen vielä lisää ei vain olis sopinut enää mitenkään tähän tilanteeseen.

Muuten mun on tätä puhelua ja Kyon reaktiota siihen hirveän vaikea millään tavalla käsitellä - pidin siitä, pidin Kyon tunteiden ja demonien heräämisestä, ja erityisesti pidin tästä viimeisestä lauseesta:

He'd been in love with the man, and right now it seemed he still was, the feelings had merely lied dormant, waiting for the right moment to rise up as fresh as ever to remind him he wasn't immune and had never been to what everyone else fell so easily for around him.


Kukaan, ainakaan lähes, ei ole immuuni rakkaudelle, ei myöskään Kyo, ja mielestäni se, että Kyo sen itsekin tajusi, oli hyvä juttu. Ilman rakkautta on vaikea elää, joten ihmekkös että toinen alkoi tuntea itsensä eläväksi jälleen.

Miesten ensikohtaaminen pitkän ajan jälkeen oli, no, jäinen. Toisaalta, mitä muuta se olisikaan voinut olla? Jäisyyttä ei kuitenkaan varmasti ainakaan vähentänyt se, että Kyo vain katosi ovelta tervehtimättä, ja tervehdykseksi tarkasti toisen päästä varpaisiin ja kertoi tälle että tuo nukkunut. Reilu peli ja hirveän romanttista. Vaikka eihän Kyo toki voinut tietää, että Kaoru oli rakastunut häneen, ja toisaalta tällainen tervehtimistapa sopi Kyon luonteeseen.

Kaorun kommentti ”So, sandalwood these days?”, toi mun pääni päälle keikkumaan pienen kysymysmerkin. En ollut vaivautunut tarkistamaan, mitä otsikko tarkoittaa, koska se oli tarpeeksi mielenkiintoinen ilman merkityksen tietämistäkin, joten tässä kohdassa mun oli pakko avata ystäväni Sanakirja.org. Jos en olisi tarkistanut, olisin miettinyt koko loppuajan että mikä hiton sandaalipuu, joten... Fiksu veto. Jouduin myös hetken aikaa miettimään, että miten santelipuu liittyy mihinkään, mutta onneksi Kyon vastaus selvitti tilannetta; suitsuke. Mä en tiedä suitsukkeista mitään, koska oon hajuallergikko, enkä näin ollen ole ollenkaan kartalla miltä santelipuu tuoksuu. Totesin ettei se nyt haittaa, ja jatkoin lukemista.

”Pick a tea, the water's ready. I'll go pick some music so our awkward silences won't get too thick.”


Suorasukainenko?

Teepussin valitseminen ei ollut mitenkään ihmeellinen hetki, ja mun mielestä se oli hyvä juttu; lukijakin sai hetken rauhottua ja kerätä ajatuksiaan. Sen lisäks se herätti mussa hirveän teehimon, ja viimeset kolme päivää, kun tätä kommenttia oon hitaasti ja varmasti suunnitellu, oon litkinyt ihan järkyttäviä määriä teetä, ja kohta mun lempparivaniljatee loppuu ;__; Ei oo kivaa hei. Kaorun huomiot Kyon tatuoinnesta tämän kaataessa vettä omaan mukiinsa, oli suloisia ja jotenkin tosi paljon täynnä kaipausta ja ehkä hivenen pettymystäkin siitä, että tuo oli mennyt unohtamaan jotain niin... tärkeää?

Viimeisen kohtauksen alun keskustelu oli aika normaalia small talkia - mitä teet, mitä yhteiset tutut tekee. Koko ajan kaiken yllä häilyi kuitenkin epätietoisuus ja jännittyneisyys, joka sai ainakin mut liikahtelemaan hivenen levottomasti paikallani; kuka tekee aloitteen ja miten? Mutta onneksi Kyo sitten loppuviimeksi päätti tehdä jotain asian etenemiseksi, josta eteenpäin tunnelma vaihtui pelkästään jännittyneeksi, ja epätietoisuus katosi. Pikkuhiljaa jännittyneisyyskin, hämmennyksen kautta, hävisi, jonka jälkeen jäi lukijallekin pelkästään helpottunut olo, kun asiat saivat selvityksen. Kaoru oli viisas päättäessään puhua suoraan.

Rehellisesti, mun on vaikea sanoa tosta keskustelusta yhtään mitään, ja yllä oleva oli kaikki, mitä sain ulos. Se ei johdu siitä, että se oli huono, tai jollain tapaa mitäänsanomaton. Enemmänkin se on sitä, että se oli niin täynnä pintaan tulevia, pitkään salattuja tunteita, että niin kuin Kaorunkin, se jätti mutkin sanattomaksi.

Lopetus aiheutti mussa hieman ristiriitaisia tunteita; itse en usko seksiin ensitreffeillä tai heti tunnustamisen jälkeen (ei sillä, ihan sama mitä muut tekee, mutta itseni mielestä siinä ei ole ideaa), mutta toisaalta, nuo kaksi olivat rakastaneet ja halunneet toisiaan niin kauan, että olen melkein valmis antamaan tämän anteeksi. Olisin ehkä mieluummin lukenut, miten kaikki päättyy pitkään suudelmaan ja hellään, kaipaavaan halaukseen, mutta tämä loppu toimi myös näinkin, eikä vähiten siksi, että olit kirjoittanut sen hyvin. Sitä paitsi, sain silti suudelmani, joten olen tyytyväinen.

Yhteenvetona tämän kaiken jaarittelun jälkeen, että pidin tästä tekstistä paljon. Pidin sen vaihtuvasta, selvästi lukijalle välittyvästä tunnelmasta, sopivan vauhdikkaasta etenemisestä, ja pienistä lausahduksista, jotka toivat tapahtumat hyvin arkipäivään, kuten:

He placed the thin bit of technology between his lips for the time it took him to close his jacket.


ja

Kyo curled up on his couch and pushed his hand down between his thighs for warmth.


Pieniä, huomaamattomia asioita, mutta jotenkin ne vaan toivat kaiken lähemmäksi lukijaa. Tai ainakin mua. (koska jee en ole ainut joka pitää puhelinta suussaan ja lämmittää suihkun jälkeen käsiään reisiensä välissä)

Kiitos paljon tästä mahtavasta lukukokemuksesta (sekä teeaddiktioni uusiutumisesta ja randomeista tunnevyöryistä)!

~lumiukko

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lumiukko
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Viestit: 83
Liittynyt: Ti Heinä 05, 2011 9:43 pm
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Re: Sandalwood [Kaoru/Kyo, EN, PG-13]

ViestiKirjoittaja Amber » Su Syys 08, 2013 1:18 pm

Mä en voi uskoa, etten oo kommentoinut tätä. :D Ehkä oon lähettänyt sulle tästä jotain yksäriä, tai sitten oon oikeesti vaan ollut saamaton ja kiittämätön lukija ja jättänyt kokonaan palautteen antamatta. Havahduin tähän tekemääni vääryyteen tossa yönä eräänä, kun luin tätä ihan kikseissä.

Muistan kyllä, että varsinkaan ensimmäisellä lukukerralla - melkein vuosi sitten - en pitänyt ficin lopusta. Ehkä siksi turhauduin enkä kirjoittanut kommenttia? En ehkä vieläkään lämpene lopulle kovin suuresti. Se ei johdu loppuratkaisusta itsestään, vaan ehkä siitä, että ficci ylipäätään loppuu siihen. On jotenkin turhauttavaa lukea aivan mahtavaa ficciä, jossa käsitellään varsin pitkää aikajännettä ja jonka kerronta on parhaimmillaan aivan upeaa viipyilyä ja fiilistelyä, mutta jonka loppu tuntuu... kiihdytykseltä kiitoradalla, jonka lopussa onkin seinä.

No, kaikesta muusta paitsi lopusta pidänkin tässä kovasti. Muistin taas, miten mieletön sun tyyli on niin suomeksi kuin englanniksikin, miten kiintynyt oon sun luomiin Diruihin ja miten paljon tääkin asetelma mua inspiroi spekuloimaan Dirun tulevaisuutta. Tässä kiteytyy fanfictionin "Mitä jos?" -asetelmaisuus tosi hienosti.

Ehkä vieläkin hienommin tässä kiteytyy rakastuneiden ihmisten järjetön käytös:
He always felt so afraid when he spoke to Kyo. Afraid he'd let something slip, that he'd fuck it up, that he'd seem... interested.
The feeling was sort of a dull ache in his heart each time he'd been around the man, and since they'd disbanded, every day when he thought of his friends, any of them, because all of them were so closely associated with the reclusive vocalist.

He'd thought he'd let Kyo approach him – and Kyo had never taken the step. It was like he didn't need Kaoru --

Viimeks kun luin tän ficin, en kiinnittänyt tähän kohtaan sen suuremmin huomiota, mutta tällä kertaa tää iski aika kovasti johonkin arkaan kohtaan. Tajusin, että tää sama juttu on käynyt mullekin, ja että siinä ei ole mitään järkeä. "Love isn't complicated, people are." On aika tosi irrationaalista vältellä niitä ihmisiä, joilla on eniten väliä, ja investoida niihin suhteisiin mahdollisimman vähän. Kaikkeen sitä on valmis suojellakseen itseään sydänsuruilta, vaikka tuollahan sitä surua ja ikävää itselleen vasta hankkiikin. Syvä huokaus.

Tässä ficissä on yhtä aikaa niin paljon kaikkea. Syvimmillään löydän tästä sen pohdinnan, miten menneisyys jää osaksi ihmistä siitäkin huolimatta, että hän onnistuu tavalla tai toisella jatkamaan elämäänsä.

Kaikesta huolimatta ficissä ehkä parasta on tilanteiden tunnelmallinen kuvaus ja hienosti toimiva dialogi.

Kiitos siis lukukokemuksesta! Toivottavasti et ole jättänyt Dir en grey -fandomissa kirjoittamista lopullisesti, koska oot ihan oikeesti sitä parhaimmistoa.
Sateen jälkeen hiekkatiellä kauneus hehkuu ja kumartaa syvään.

"I think that giving up is a harder road. Walk a road that wouldn’t leave you any regrets."
- Kaoru, Dir en grey

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Amber
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