Love me before the last petal falls -PG- / RukaHitsugi

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Love me before the last petal falls -PG- / RukaHitsugi

ViestiKirjoittaja Anraf » Ma Elo 27, 2012 4:27 pm

Title: Love me before the last petal falls
Author: Anraf
Beta: No
Rating: PG
Genre: Dark Romance, Death
Pairing: Ruka / Hitsugi (Nightmare)
Chapters: One-shot.
Summary: Ruka's condition is worsening and he knows his time to go is drawing near. But there is still one thing keeping him alive and he must see it through to be able to rest in peace.

When I heard the news about Ruka I just cried, cried and cried. And wrote this. And then cried some more. But writing this oddly helped. However, let's pray and hope he gets better.

Love me before the last petal falls

Hitsugi. I guess I have to bother to open my eyes though the lights burn them. Oh, great. You’ve been crying your eyes out, huh? Your skin is so pale and your hair barely combed. Which one of us was sick here? And still… How beautiful you look…
”You okay?” I ask and force my lips to form something you could maybe call a smile.
”I should ask that from you,” Hitsugi says with a laughter mixed with cry. ”You got us really worried.”
”Sorry ’bout the gig,” I say and moist my dry lips with the tip of my tongue.
I must be quite an eyecandy at the moment. But Hitsugi… Hitsugi just bites his lip, shaking his head, and looks at me like the gig wouldn’t matter. But I know it matters to him. Nightmare is Hitsugi’s life. I wonder… I wonder if he worries more about me or our band activities… I’ve never really got to understand his feelings for me. Probably because I’ve been so damn scared to face them, fearing to get rejected and let down. I’ve also feared that getting closer to him I’d might at some point violate his tender mind and heart, like I have a habit to do to people. Especially to the likes of him. But now I can’t help wondering ”what if”.
”I want to make it up to you,” I say and try to ignore the pain that has started growing in me again and that will soon take over my whole body so they probably have to put me to sleep soon again. But before that, there are things I just have to say. ”Let’s go to Sapporo together. On our vacation. It’s on November, right? I’ll finally show you my famous ice hockey moves there,” I continue and utter a laughter that sounds more like a cough.
I wonder if he even remembers it used to be my hobby. Ice hockey. And whenever I or someone else mentioned it he always went like ”Uwaa, Ruka playing ice hockey?! I don’t believe it. I have to see it!” I wanted to show you, Hitsugi. So many times. But never had the time or guts to ask you to come with me. Hitsugi seems to think I’m going to choke to myself as he started fixing my pillow and position. Sweet and caring Hitsugi… That’s how I always saw you and how I will always remember you.

”That sounds good. But don’t you think we should also pay a visit to Sendai to see our families?” Hitsugi says and smiles though he’s on the verge of tears while looking at me.
Yep, I must look really bad and he knows I’m not doing any better than a few days ago when I collapsed just before the gig. How pitiful. I tried to be strong as long as I could, for your sake, for our band’s sake, but I am only a human, after all. Little did I know that allowing myself to be weak I’d finally get your unshared attention. Yeah, that’s why I never stayed at the after-parties but hurried home after the gigs instead. I just couldn’t stand seeing you being so close with other people. I’m selfish like that - if I can’t have you completely to myself, I’d rather be alone. Thus my life has felt so vain and lonely, though it’s mainly been my own choice. But it’s funny how I now finally feel alive when I know I’m going to die.
”Sendai… Yomi always praises the blue sky and the beautiful scenery…,” I say quietly and close my eyes, imagining the landscape of our beautiful hometown.
Those things might be the best things about Sendai to many, but to me personally the best thing is that we both are from there with Hitsugi and share a common background and history. And one of my best memories from there is when we sat in a cozy restaurant and decided to seriously put up a visual kei band. The passion in your eyes… I was sure then we could make it. And we did. You are sweet and tender yet you are strong, Hitsugi - a lot stronger than me.

”Would you really go to Sapporo with me or are you just saying that because I look like a fuck and you pity me?” I ask and cough again.
”Ruka…,” Hitsugi mumbles in a way that brings a smile to my lips.
I can see him blushing even though I keep my eyes closed. And I love the way you say my name. You’re the one who gave me this name back in the days when you catched only a part of my mumbling when I presented myself to you. I’ve been Ruka ever since.
”Baka, of course I’d go with you to Sapporo if you asked even though you weren’t sick… But why would you want to go there with me…?” Hitsugi asks silently.
For a moment I don’t know what to reply. I could play it cool and turn it into a joke or something, or I could tell him the truth.
”For the same reason I’ve been raiding into your hotelrooms lately on our tours,” I reply and smile tiredly.
Yes, I’ve surprised him a few times by doing that. He’s looked cautious and confused. I wonder if it’s because he’s felt awkward being alone with me or because there is this chemistry between us that I really want to believe is true? However, I’ve done it because I’ve felt my condition getting worse. That drives people to finally do the things they have wanted to do because they realize that someday it will be too late.
”Oh, so you’re just going tell me about your favourite video games again?” Hitsugi laughs as he still fiddles with my pillow and blanket.
Ah yes, I've used those games as an excuse to come to talk to him. It always seemed to make him rather confused. Why do I always have to be so socially awkward even with the closest people I have? I finally grab his hand and make him stop the pointless tugging of my blanket. I force my eyes open and see his full of pain. Does he know, too, that I’m most likely not going to make it to the next November and our vacation? He squeezes my hand in his. Oh, how good it feels. A human touch. The touch of this person who has meant to me more than I have ever admitted even to myself. I’m not afraid to die. I am even ready to die. So I’m not sorry for leaving now. I’m only sorry that I never told him all the things I wanted to tell. I’m sorry that I’ve lived without love and avoided giving it even a chance. I’m sorry that I’ve loved you so little, Hitsugi, when in reality I love you so much.

”Will Nightmare be alright?” I ask carefully, since I am also sorry for the band, knowing how important it is to Hitsugi.
”We can manage until you get better,” Hitsugi replies quietly, rubbing gently my palm with his thumb.
Getting better… Does anybody believe in that anymore, really? Hitsugi seems to try, I don’t know for whose sake - his or mine.
”Well, if you need a new drummer, try to find someone a bit more social than me,” I utter and close my eyes again.
My body feels heavy and sore and I fear I might squeeze Hitsugi’s hand a little too hard, clinging to it like into a dear life.
”Shut up and just get better,” Hitsugi sniffs and lays his head on my chest as he sits on the chair next to my bed. ”Let me deal with the worrying about the band.”
I guess in a way he wanted to say he’d find a solution even if I didn’t get better. That’s a relief. Hmm, it’s weird that when I’d have so much to say I end up thinking that there’s nothing to say. I guess I could finally say I love you, Hitsugi, but that would be too dramatic and that’s just not me. Like I will remember you as you are now – sweet and caring – I want you to remember me as I am now. For this is the man whose hand you are holding and on whose chest you are resting your head. This is the Ruka you found and kept. So keep me in your heart like I will keep you in mine, that’s all I can ask for. I feel sleepy. The nurses didn’t even have to come to help with that. I feel good and relaxed with Hitsugi. This might be the time my body fails completely and won’t wake up again. Never know. So may my dreams be sweet. Sweet like only Hitsugi can be.

”Tell me about your pets, how are they?” I ask, and try to open my eyes to see Hitsugi’s face one more time.
He looks a bit suprised at first but then the sad and empty look returns to his eyes. Letting go of my hand he starts fiddling with my ugly hospital gown and just stares at my lips. Then he starts telling stories about his cats and dogs and how he plays with them. We both know that this conversation is the most ridiculous ever considering the situation, but since he continues he must know it makes me feel better. I think I smile. At least I smile inside. I can imagine him getting group hugged by those creatures as he sits on the sofa. I imagine how it would be if I’d live with him and we’d share the house with all his pets. Could I fit in the sofa with them? Perhaps, if I’d crawled close enough to Hitsugi.
”They really do like your petting, huh? You must be very good at it,” I note.
”Yeah, I guess…,” Hitsugi says, barely audibly, and I can feel he’s looking at me again with those sad eyes of his.
Soon I feel his hand on my hair, petting and stroking me softly. I can imagine him doing that to me when I sit on the couch with him with all our animals. I’d lean my head then on his and enjoy of his warmth and closeness.
”Do you ever kiss them?” I ask with a breaking voice.
”Oh, I do… I like it and they like it,” Hitsugi replies, and I think he’s smiling a little fragile smile.
”Good…,” I mumble, on my way out of this world.
Yeah, your kisses must feel good. No doubt about that. For you are full of love and caring. And then, then I feel on my lips the softness and warmth that shakes my body and tries make it feel alive again, but my heart still feels heavy and is beating slower and slower. But none of that matters now. Not my body, not my life. But you and your lips. I can imagine Hitsugi kissing me as we cuddle on the couch. I see it like it was reality. I’ve never really found a place where I’d want to be and where I'd feel like home, but I have one now. Nor have I felt being this important to anyone before. So, thank you, for giving me a reason and home. My sweet Hitsugi.

Viimeksi muokannut Anraf päivämäärä Ti Heinä 02, 2013 9:41 am, muokattu yhteensä 6 kertaa
~Here lies what is left of me. The rest is mystery. Ignore thyself.~ (Stan Rice)

    1 tykkää.
Vuoden jännitys
Viestit: 495
Liittynyt: Pe Helmi 05, 2010 4:27 am

Re: Love me before the last petal falls -PG- / RukaHitsugi

ViestiKirjoittaja Black Rose » To Elo 30, 2012 8:07 pm

Nyyh, ei saa tappaa Rukaa ;^; Mites mies voi, onko mitään parantumista?

Mutta nyt itse ficciin. Tykkäsin tästä kovasti, vaikka tämä olikin kokoajan haikea ja toivoin, että Ruka jää henkiin muttei sitten kuitenkaan. Olit niin ihanasti kirjoittanut Rukan ajatuksista ja siitä miten olisi paljon sanottavaa muttei sitten kuitenkaan ole mitään. Se on mullekin välillä varsin tuttua ettei saa sanottua mitään, vaikka haluaisikin.

”Let’s go to Sapporo together. On our vacation. It’s on November, right? I’ll finally show you my famous ice hockey moves there,”

Naurahdin tälle ja se sai hieman piristyneemmän olon mun sisälle, kun pystyin kuvittelemaan tuon, vaikka kuvittelinkin sen miten Ruka olisi ollut hieman kömpelö yms. tai sitten ollut tahallaan kömpelö koska Hitsugi olisi ollut katsomassa 8'3

Ficci itsessään kuitenkin oli tosi ihanasti kirjoitettu, vaikka hieman haikeaa se olikin, ettei Ruka saanut kertoa rakkaudestaan Hitsugia kohtaan tälle kuitenkaan missään vaiheessa.

Mutta ihana tämä oli kaikesta haikeudestaan huolimatta, kiitos tästä ♥
~Ice princess has arrived~

    1 tykkää.
Black Rose
Viestit: 38
Liittynyt: Ke Elo 01, 2012 11:13 am
Paikkakunta: Sleeping on my each bias's pillow ♥

Re: Love me before the last petal falls -PG- / RukaHitsugi

ViestiKirjoittaja Anraf » La Syys 01, 2012 11:12 am

Niin, toivotaan, että Ruka pysyy elossa. Talven kiertueelle lupasi yrittää tehdä comebackin.


Aihe saa minut liian emoksi. Olen monesta syystä niin kiintynyt Rukaan, ettei kukaan uskokaan. :')

Mutta kiva kuulla, että tykkäsit silti ficistä, vaikka tässä aika vakavaa teemaa käsiteltiinkin.
Joo, monelle varmasti on tullut niitä hetkiä, jolloin sanoja ei vain löydy, vaikka sydän ja mieli olisi täynnä asiaa. Mutta tahtoisin uskoa, että tuossa heidän hetkessään sanoja ei edes tarvittu.

Kiitos lukemisesta ja kommentoinnista. ^^ ♥

P.S Ruka tosiaan on harrastanut jääkiekkoa nuoruudessaan. Voin vain kuvitella sen 183-senttisen komistuksen kiitämässä jäätä pitkin luistimillaan ja mailoineen. Yleensä en ole mikään sporttifani, mutta sitä peliä menisin kyllä katsomaan. ;)
~Here lies what is left of me. The rest is mystery. Ignore thyself.~ (Stan Rice)

    1 tykkää.
Vuoden jännitys
Viestit: 495
Liittynyt: Pe Helmi 05, 2010 4:27 am

Re: Love me before the last petal falls -PG- / RukaHitsugi

ViestiKirjoittaja Chikatsuno » Su Syys 02, 2012 8:08 pm

Väännä ny p*rkele veistä haavassa vielä ;;___;; Oikeesti, Ruka-parka! Ei ole oikein ei! Naitokin joutuu tauolle sen takia *sob sob*

Ja ficci... Myh, menen emosieninurkkaani koko loppupäiväksi! Enkä tule ulos ennenkuin Ruka on taas kunnossa. Oikeasti, Hitsu-parka! Ja miksei Ruka sanonu mitään ja uiahubauibeu *hakkaa päätään seinään* Samalla niin kaunista ja niin julmaa. Sydämmeni vuotaa verta. Greh. En edes osaa kuvailla kunnolla, mitä tunteita tämä ficci herätti. Olen vaan nyt aivan angstipallerona täällä, kiitos sinun.

Ja tein surkean kommentinkin, anteeksi m(_ _)m
"Mennä ulos tai pysytellä kotona, selkeän taivaan alla tai lukkojen takana."

Memento mori.

    1 tykkää.
Viestit: 11
Liittynyt: La Joulu 10, 2011 3:35 pm
Paikkakunta: Etelä-Lappi

Re: Love me before the last petal falls -PG- / RukaHitsugi

ViestiKirjoittaja Anraf » To Syys 06, 2012 10:15 pm

Väännän, väännän. Tosin väänsin tänään vähän omassanikin katsoessani yhden klipin, missä se ja Yomi olivat Gigaflarena ja Chibana Sendai Kamotsussa. Ruka on niin söps. ;_; <3

No, eiköhän se vielä kuntoon tule. Pakko tulla. Nightmare ilman Rukaa olisi... painajaista. heh.

Kommenttisi oli lyhyt mutta ytimekäs. Toivottavasti muistat pitää angstipalleronakin tassut ristissä Rukan puolesta. My hubby must get well soon. (^_^)v <3
~Here lies what is left of me. The rest is mystery. Ignore thyself.~ (Stan Rice)

Vuoden jännitys
Viestit: 495
Liittynyt: Pe Helmi 05, 2010 4:27 am

Re: Love me before the last petal falls -PG- / RukaHitsugi

ViestiKirjoittaja gnrbu » Su Kesä 30, 2013 7:19 pm

The title is from Beauty and the Beast by Nightwish, right?

So, we're all glad Ruka is alright. You really wrought the pain and uncertainty of his last year's sickness, didn't you? And you know what? I really liked it. I loved how Ruka, even on his sickbed, is still the same antisocial guy who doesn't know what to say and can't quite convey how he feels. You really hit home with his character. If I still remembered how to comment on fics, I'd ramble and explain it better, but for now my comments suck, so you'll just have to take my word that this is definitely one of your best characterizations. I guess Ruka is a character better suited for darker fics, though I recall you had a lighter piece about him that was also quite good?

But yeah, the reason why this fic works better than all those other "dying guy bids farewell to his lover" stories is that Ruka is a kick-ass character. :D

I also liked how this fic is full of little Nightmare facts you've told me and I now feel like I get them. :D Like Yomi praising the blue sky. Btw, the cozy restaurant in Sendai, is there a certain place you had in mind or is it just an imaginary place?

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Vuoden Kaoru
Viestit: 2497
Liittynyt: Ti Maalis 24, 2009 12:05 am

Re: Love me before the last petal falls -PG- / RukaHitsugi

ViestiKirjoittaja Anraf » Ti Heinä 02, 2013 9:47 am

Yes, figured you'd recognize the title immediately. ;b
Funny how I have forgot some of my fics and this was one of them... Probably because, after all, Ruka got through his surgery and is alive and well now... At least as well as he shows to be. No more collapsing, though, so... yay!

I fixed some of the typos I had made and noticed that I could relate in this text and Ruka's feelings more than I could when I was writing this. Probably because I bid just as bitter goodbyes with M yesterday, and I totally found us in this fic as I read it. Hahah... sad...

...Anyway, thank you for reading and commenting and most of all, liking it. :)
~Here lies what is left of me. The rest is mystery. Ignore thyself.~ (Stan Rice)

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Liittynyt: Pe Helmi 05, 2010 4:27 am

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